What
saves and makes for good children is the life of the parents in the
home. The parents need to devote themselves to the love of God. They
need to become saints in their relation to their children through their
mildness, patience and love. They need to make a new start every day,
with a fresh outlook, renewed enthusiasm and love for their children.
And the joy that will come to them, the holiness that will visit them,
will shower grace on their children. Generally the parents are to blame
for the bad behaviour of the children. And their behaviour is not
improved by reprimands, disciplining, or strictness. If the parents do
not pursue a life of holiness and if they don't engage in spiritual
struggle, they make great mistakes and transmit the faults they have
within them. If the parents do not live a holy life and do not display
love towards each other, the devil torments the parents with the
reactions of the children. Love, harmony and understanding between the
parents are what are required for the children. This provides a great
sense of security and certainty.
The
behaviour of the children is directly related to the state of the
parents. When the children are hurt by the bad behaviour of the parents
towards each other, they lose the strength and desire to progress in
their lives. Their lives are constructed shoddily and the edifice of
their soul is in constant danger of collapsing. Let me give you two
examples.
Two
sisters came to see me. One of them had gone through some very
distressing experiences and they asked me what was the cause of these. I
answered them:
'It's because of your home; it stems from your parents.' And as I looked at the girl I said:
'These are things you've inherited from your mother.'
'But,'
she said,' my parents are such perfect people. They're Christians,
they go to confession, they receive Holy Communion and we had a
religious upbringing. Unless it is religion that is to blame...'
I said to them:
'I
don't believe a word of all that you're telling me. I see one tiling
only, and that is that your parents don't live with the joy of Christ.'
On hearing this, the other girl said:
'Listen,
Maria, the Father's quite right. Our parents go to confession and
receive Holy Communion, but did we ever have any peace at home. Our
father was constantly complaining about our mother. And every day either
the one refused to sit at the table or the other refused to go out
somewhere together. So you see what the Father is saying is true.
'What's your father's name?' I asked her,
She told me.
'What's your mother's name?'
She told me.
'Well,' I said,' the feelings you've got inside you towards your mother are not at all good.'
You
see, the moment she told me her father's name I saw his soul, and the
moment she told me her mother's name, I saw her mother and I saw the way
her daughter looked at her.
Another day a mother came to visit me with one of her daughters. She was very distressed and broke down in tears.
'What's the matter?' I asked.
'I'm in total despair over my older daughter. She threw her husband out the house and deceived us all with a pack of lies.'
'What kind of lies?' I inquired.
'She
threw her husband out the house ages ago and she didn't tell us
anything. We would ask on the phone, "How's Stelios doing?', and she
would reply, "Oh, he's fine. He's just gone out to buy a newspaper."
Each time she would think up some new excuse so that we wouldn't suspect
anything. And this went on for two whole years. A few days ago we
learned the truth from Stelios himself when we bumped into him by
chance.'
So I said to her:
'The fault's your own. It's you that's to blame, you and your husband, but you most of all.'
'What
do you mean!' she said indignantly. 'I loved my children to the point
that I was never out of the kitchen. I had no life of my own at all. I
took them to the church and I was always telling them the right thing to
do. How can you say that I'm to blame?'
I turned to her other daughter who was with her and asked:
'What do you think about the matter?'
'The Father's right, Mum,' she said. 'We never ever enjoyed a single day when you weren't quarrelling with Dad.'
'Do
you see then, how I'm right? It is you that are to blame. You
traumatised the children. They are not to blame, but they are suffering
the consequences.'
Wounded by Love: The Life and the Wisdom of Elder Porphyrios, trans.
by John Raffan (Limni, Evia, Greece: Denise Harvey, 2005), 195-205.
