Marriage or Monasticism? ( Bishop of Nafpaktos )

Most young people don’t know how to discover their calling in the life. Whether to dedicate themselves to monasticism or select the marriage path. Some have the feeling that monasticism is a more superior choice than marriage and that marriage represents a lower situation. Others believe that any young man who chooses to become a monk is a coward who avoids the responsibilities of citizenship.



Bishop of Nafpaktos, Hierotheos provides a warm insight and a clear view of the essence of both marriage and monastic life, based on the teaching of the Eastern Church Fathers. “Both marriage and monasticism are powerful symbolic ways of straining toward the ultimate goal of love. Celibacy and marriage are not contrasted with each other; instead, both are compared to and directed to God’s love”.

Monasticism and Married Life

Orthodox spirituality is accessible to all people; responding to its message is not associated with special groups of people. All those who have been baptised in the name of the Holy Triune God are “compelled” to uphold Christ’s commandments. There are no excep­tions on the way toward theosis, which is the “journey” from the image of God to His likeness. The Apostle Paul says clearly: “For as many of you as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ” (Gal. 3, 27).

The essence and aim of Orthodox spirituality presented in the foregoing chapters is delineated in the Word of Christ and the teachings of the Apostles. Many passages from Holy Scripture have been quoted which show that the first Christians lived the spiritual life profoundly, having attained to the illumination of the nous and unceasing prayer.

In a reference to virginity and marriage the Apostle Paul states: “He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife” (1 Cor. 7, 32-33). Yet, at the same time he stresses: “But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wines be as though they had none” (1 Cor. 7, 29). Thus married people also lived asceti­cally and had experiences of the spiritual life.

Moreover, not to be overlooked is the fact that all of the Apostle Paul’s Epistles, sent to the various Churches, were addressed to Christians who were married and had families. And it is within these Epistles that St. Paul speaks of cleansing of the heart, illumination of the soul, acquisition of noetic prayer, of the unceasing prayer of the heart, Sonship by grace, and of life in the Holy Spirit. These epistles disclose that the Christians of the first Apostolic Churches lived as the monks live today in the holy monasteries. When the persecutions ceased, however, and Christianity became the official state religion, seculariza­tion penetrated the Church and the ascetic way of living disappeared from the cities. It was precisely during this time that monasticism developed as an attempt to preserve the essence of the spiritual life. For this reason the holy Fathers emphasize that monasticism is the continuity of the Apostolic age and the life of the first Church; and that the monks are those who live the life of the Gospel, who experience repentance to its ultimate degree and who try to ob­serve the commandments of Christ unyieldingly. Every Orthodox monk who lives within this atmos­phere is an Apostle of Christ, a Martyr and a Prophet. Monasticism is apostolic, prophetic and martyrial life.

To understand the essence of monastic life, one should read the beatitudes of Christ. The monk com­mences his life in profound repentance with tears of mourning and the cleansing of the heart. In the Gospel and the Apostle Paul’s Epistles all the ele­ments which constitute the genuine monastic tradi­tion, as proclaimed by the Fathers, can be found.

These same elements are emphasized in the ser­vice of monastic tonsuring. It states there that during the noviciate period the prospective monk passes through the stage of the Catechumen, living in deep repentance and undergoing purification of the heart.

This is the “first love” of which the Evangelist John speaks in the book of Revelation. When repentance is accomplished monastic tonsuring takes place, which is referred to as the “second baptism”.

Monastic tonsuring is called a mystery because the monk experiences the purifying and illuminating energy of God. According to St. Symeon the New Theologian the second baptism is the baptism of the Spirit, that is, the illumination of the nous and the acquisition of noetic prayer. The following is said to the monk while he is being tonsured: “You are purged of your sins and becometh son of light”, Thus, the monk experiences purification of the heart prior to his tonsure, and ac­quires illumination of the nous while being tonsured.

The apostolic life and the way of life of the first Christians, as described in the Pauline Epistles and the book of the Acts, is made visible.

Monasticism is apostolic and evangelical; mor­tification of the “old man” precedes it, though, and then the monk becomes a “temple” of the Most Holy Spirit. The prayers read by the priest are expressive of this theme.

Married Christians in their personal lives are also called to live the Gospel and the commandments of Christ. Noone is exempted from this responsibility. Every one must experience repentance; overcome sel­fishness; and acquire love for God and love for others.

It is apparent that the circumstances of married life are different from those of the monastery, and thus a certain adjustment is needed. Yet, what the monastery is for the monk, the family is for the married person. Family is the place for ascetic practice in married life. It is therein that a person is called to carry out the will of God.

“O God most pure … bless this marriage, and vouchsafe unto these thy servants, N. and N., a peaceful life, length of days, chastity, mutual love in the bond of peace, long· lived seed, gratitude from their posterity, a crown of glory which fadeth not away. Graciously grant that they may behold their children’s children. Preserve their bed un assailed, and give them of the dew of heaven from on high, and of the fatness of the earth. Fill their houses with wheat, and wine, and oil, and with every beneficence, that they may bestow in turn upon the needy; granting also unto those who are here present with them all those petitions which are of their salvation”. (Rite of the Holy Matrimony)1.

The Church has placed all of its teaching on marriage in the prayers read during the marriage ceremony. The wedded are blessed to live their lives in love and prudence, following the commandments of God.

“Be thou exalted, a Bridegroom, like unto Abraham; and be thou blessed, like unto Isaac; and do thou multiply like unto Jacob, walking in peace, and keeping the commandments of God in righteousness.

And thou, O Bride: Be thou exalted like unto Sarah; and exult thou, like unto Rebecca; and do thou multiply, like unto Rachel: and rejoice thou in thy husband, fulfilling the conditions of the law: for so is it well pleasing unto God”. (Rite of the Holy Matrimony).2

The fact that women and men who had been wor­thy of experiencing divine vision in the Old Testament are mentioned in the prayers, demonstrates the as­cetic and saving character of marriage in Christ. The holy Fathers teach that conception, gestation and birth constitute the “garments of skin” which Adam wore after the Fall. God, however, eventually blessed this way. St. Maximos writes that marriage, as we know it today, is a result of the Fall.3

St. Chrysostom teaches that all of the command­ments of the Gospel -except, of course, for that of marriage-are to be shared by all men -monks and married.4

St. Basil discerns that both -monastics and the married-are called to uphold the commandments of Christ in the Gospel. St. Gregory Palamas, on the theme of the purity of the heart, declares that married persons can also strive to attain it.5

The existence of many married Saints who pos­sessed noetic prayer both in the Old and the New Testaments reveals that married people have the capacity to experience Orthodox spirituality in all its manifestations. The prophetess Anna kept noetic prayer within her heart and prayed unceasingly while in the midst of experiencing great pain.

Within the framework of Orthodox spirituality, therefore, Christians are not divided into categories of married and single, monastics and lay people; however they are separated into those who have the Holy Spirit within and those who do not. It is possible for all people to uphold Christ’s commandments and experience Or­thodox spirituality under the guidance of a spiritual father. There are neither privileged nor non-privileged people within Orthodox tradition.

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The Great Sacrament of Marriage ( Archimandrite Aimilianos )

Nobody would dispute that the most important day in a person's life, after his birth and baptism, is that of his marriage. It is no surprise, then, that the aim of contemporary worldly and institutional upheavals is precisely to crush the most honorable and sacred mystery of marriage. For many people, marriage is an opportunity for pleasures and amusements. Life, however, is a serious affair. It is a spiritual struggle, a progression toward a goal—heaven. The most crucial juncture, and the most important means, of this progression is marriage. It is not permissible for anyone to avoid the bonds of marriage, whether he concludes a mystical marriage by devoting himself to God, or whether he concludes a sacramental one with a spouse.

Today we will concern ourselves primarily with sacramental marriage. We will consider how marriage can contribute to our spiritual life, in order to continue the theme of our previous talk. We know that marriage is an institution established by God. It is "honorable" (Heb 13.4). It is a "great mystery" (Eph 5.32). An unmarried person passes through life and leaves it; but a married person lives and experiences life to the full.

One wonders what people today think about the sacred institution of marriage, this "great mystery", blessed by our Church. They marry, and it's as if two checking accounts or two business interests were being merged. Two people are united without ideals, two zeros, you could say. Because people without ideals, without quests, are nothing more than zeros. "I married in order to live my life", you hear people say, "and not to be shut inside four walls". "I married to enjoy my life", they say, and then they hand over their children—if they have children—to some strange woman so they can run off to the theater, the movies, or to some other worldly gathering. And so their houses become hotels to which they return in the evening, or, rather, after midnight, after they've had their fun and need to rest. Such people are empty inside, and so in their homes they feel a real void. They find no gratification there, and thus they rush and slide from here to there, in order to find their happiness.

They marry without knowledge, without a sense of responsibility, or simply because they wish to get married, or because they think they must in order to be good members of society. But what is the result? We see it every day. The shipwrecks of marriage are familiar to all of us. A worldly marriage, as it is understood today, can only have one characteristic—the murder of a person's spiritual life. Thus we must feel that, if we fail in our marriage, we have more or less failed in our spiritual life. If we succeed in our marriage, we have also succeeded in our spiritual life. Success or failure, progress or ruin, in our spiritual life, begins with our marriage. Because this is such a serious matter, let us consider some of the conditions necessary for a happy, truly Christian marriage.

In order to have a successful marriage, one must have the appropriate upbringing from an early age. Just as a child must study, just as he learns to think, and take an interest in his parents or his health, so too must he be prepared in order to be able to have a successful marriage. But in the age in which we live, no one is interested in preparing their children for this great mystery, a mystery which will play the foremost role in their lives. Parents are not interested, except in the dowry, or in other such financial matters, in which they are deeply interested.

The child, from an early age, must learn to love, to give, to suffer deprivation, to obey. He must learn to feel that the purity of his soul and body is a valuable treasure to be cherished as the apple of his eye. The character of the child must be shaped properly, so that he becomes an honest, brave, decisive, sincere, cheerful person, and not a half, self-pitying creature, who constantly bemoans his fate, a weak-willed thing without any power of thought or strength. From an early age, the child should learn to take an interest in a particular subject or occupation, so that tomorrow he will be in a position to support his family, or, in the case of a girl, also to help, if this is necessary. A woman must learn to be a housewife, even if she has an education. She should learn to cook, to sew, to embroider. But, my good Father, you may say, this is all self- evident. Ask married couples, however, and you'll see how many women who are about to marry know nothing about running a household.

Once we reach a certain age, moreover, the choice of one's life partner is a matter which should not be put off. Neither should one be in a hurry, because, as the saying goes, "quick to marry, quick to despair". But one should not delay, because delay is a mortal danger to the soul. As a rule, the normal rhythm of the spiritual life begins with marriage. An unmarried person is like someone trying to live permanently in a hallway: he doesn't seem to know what the rooms are for. Parents should take an interest in the child's social life, but also in his prayer life, so that the blessed hour will come as a gift sent by God.

Naturally, when he comes to choose a partner, he will take to account his parents' opinion. How often have parents felt knives piercing their hearts when their children don't ask them about the person who will be their companion in life? A mother's heart is sensitive, and can't endure such a blow. The child should discuss matters with his parents, because they have a special intuition enabling them to be aware of the things which concern them. But this doesn't mean that the father and mother should pressure the child. Ultimately he should be free to make his own decision. If you pressure your child to marry, he will consider you responsible if things don't go well. Nothing good comes from pressure. You must help him, but you must also allow him to choose the person he prefers or loves—but not someone he pities or feels sorry for. If your child, after getting to know someone, tells you, "I feel sorry for the poor soul, I'll marry him", then you know that you're on the threshold of a failed marriage. Only a person whom he or she prefers or loves can stand by the side of your child. Both the man and the woman should be attracted to each other, and they should truly want to live together, in an inward way, unhurriedly. On this matter, however, it is not possible to pressure our children. Sometimes, out of our love, we feel that they are our possessions, that they are our property, and that we can do what we want with them. And thus our child becomes a creature incapable of living life either married or unmarried.

Of course, the process of getting acquainted, which is such a delicate issue—but of which we are often heedless—should take place before marriage. We should never be complacent about getting to know each other, especially if we're not sure of our feelings. Love shouldn't blind us. It should open our eyes, to see the other person as he is, with his faults. "Better to take a shoe from your own house, even if it's cobbled", says the folk proverb. That is, it's better to take someone you've gotten to know. And acquaintanceship must always be linked with engagement, which is an equally difficult matter.

When I suggested to a young woman that she should think seriously about whether she should continue her engagement she replied: "If I break it off, my mother will kill me". But what sort of engagement is it, if there's no possibility of breaking it off? To get engaged doesn't mean that I'll necessarily get married. It means that I'm testing to see whether I should marry the person I'm engaged to. If a woman isn't in a position to break off her engagement, she shouldn't get engaged, or, rather, she shouldn't go ahead with the marriage. During the engagement, we must be especially careful. If we are, we will have fewer problems and fewer disappointments after the wedding. Someone once said that, during the period of getting to know me another, you should hold on to your heart firmly with both hands, as if it were a wild animal. You know how dangerous the heart is: instead of leading you to marriage, it can lead you into sin. There is the possibility that the person you've chosen sees you as a mere toy, or a toothbrush to be tried out. Afterwards you'll be depressed and shed many tears. But then it will be too late, because your angel will have turned out to be made of clay.

Don't choose a person who wastes his time at clubs, having good time, and throwing away his money on traveling and luxuries. Neither should you choose someone who, as you'll find out, conceals his self-centeredness beneath words of love. Don't choose a woman as your wife who is like gun powder, so that as soon as you say something to her, she bursts to flames. She's no good as a wife.

Moreover, if you want to have a truly successful marriage, don't approach that young woman or man who is unable to leave his or her parents. The commandment of Christ is clear: man leaves his father and mother, and is united to his wife" (Mk 10.7). But when you see the other person tied to his mother or father, when you see that he obeys them with his mouth hanging open, and is prepared to do whatever they tell him, keep well away. He is emotionally sick, a psychologically immature person, and you won't be able to create a family with him. The man you will make your husband should be spirited. But how can he be spirited when he hasn't realized, hasn't understood, hasn't digested the fact that his parents' house is simply a flower-pot in which he was put, to be taken out later, and transplanted somewhere else?

Also, when you're going to choose a husband, make sure that he's not an uncommunicative type—in which case he'll have no friends. And if today he has no friends, tomorrow he'll find it difficult to have you as a friend and partner. Be on your guard against grumblers, moaners, and gloomy people who are like dejected birds. Be on your guard against those who complain all the time: "You don't love me, you don't understand me", and all that sort of thing. Something about these creatures of God isn't right. Also be on your guard against religious fanatics and the overly pious. Those, that is, who get upset over trivial things, who are critical of everything and hypersensitive. How are you going to live with such a person? It will be like sitting on thorns. Also look out for those who regard marriage as something bad, as a form of imprisonment. Those who say: But I've never in my whole life thought about getting married.

Watch out for certain pseudo-Christians, who see marriage as something sordid, as a sin, who immediately cast their eyes down when they hear anything said about it. If you marry someone like this, he will be a thorn in your flesh, and a burden for his monastery if he becomes a monk. Watch out for those who think that they're perfect, and find no defect in themselves, while constantly finding faults in others. Watch out for those who think they've been chosen by God to correct everyone else.

There is another serious matter to which you should also pay attention: heredity. Get to know well the father, the mother, the grandfather, the grandmother, the uncle. Also, the basic material prerequisites should be there. Above all, pay attention to the person's faith. Does he or she have faith? Has the person whom you're thinking of making the companion of your life have ideals? If Christ means nothing to him, how are you going to be able to enter his heart? If he has not been able to value Christ, do you think he will value you? Holy Scripture says to the husband that the wife should be "of your testament" (Mal 2.14), that is, of your faith, your religion, so that she can join you to God. It is only then that you can have, as the Church Fathers say, a marriage "with the consent of the bishop," that is, with the approval of the Church, and not simply a formal license.

Discuss things in advance with your spiritual father. Examine every detail with him, and he will stand by your side as a true friend, and, when you reach the desired goal, then your marriage will be a gift from God (cf. 1 Cor 7.7).God gives his own gift to each one of us. He leads one person to marriage and another to virginity. Not that God makes the choice by saying "you go here", and "you go there", but he gives us the nerve to choose what our heart desires, and the courage and the strength to carry it out.

If you choose your spouse in this way, then thank God. Bring him into touch with your spiritual father. If you don't have one, the two of you should choose a spiritual father together, who will be your Elder, your father, the one who will remind you of, and show you God.

You will have many difficulties in life. There will be a storm of issues. Worries will surround you, and maintaining your Christian life will not be easy. But don't worry. God will help you. Do what is within your power. Can you read a spiritual book for five minutes a day? Then read. Can you pray for five minutes a day? Pray. And if you can't manage five minutes, pray for two. The rest is God's affair.

When you see difficulties in your marriage, when you see that you're making no progress in your spiritual life, don't despair. But neither should you be content with whatever progress you may have already made. Lift up your heart to God. Imitate those who have given everything to God, and do what you can to be like them, even if all you can do is to desire in your heart to be like them. Leave the action to Christ. And when you advance in this way, you will truly sense what is the purpose of marriage. Otherwise, as a blind person wanders about, so too will you wander in life.

What then is the purpose of marriage? I will tell you three of its main aims. First of all, marriage is a path of pain. The companionship of man and wife is called a "yoking together" (syzygia), that is, the two of them labor under a shared burden. Marriage is a journeying together, a shared portion of pain, and, of course, a joy. But usually it's six chords of our life which sound a sorrowful note, and only one which is joyous. Man and wife will drink from the same cup of upheaval, sadness, and failure. During the marriage ceremony, the priest gives the newly-weds to drink from the same cup, called the "common cup," because together they will bear the burdens of marriage. The cup is also called "union," because they are joined together to share life's joys and sorrows.

When two people get married, it's as if they're saying: Together we will go forward, hand in hand, through good times and bad. We will have dark hours, hours of sorrow filled with burdens, monotonous hours. But in the depths of the night, we continue to believe in the sun and the light. Oh, my dear friends, who can say that his life has not been marked by difficult moments? But it is no small thing to know that, in your difficult moments, in your worries, in your temptations, you will be holding in your hand the hand of your beloved. The New Testament says that every man will have pain, especially those who enter into marriage.

"Are you free from a wife?"—which means, are you unmarried?—asks the Apostle Paul. "Then do not seek a wife. But if you do marry, you are not doing anything wrong, it is no sin. And if a girl marries, she does not sin, but those who marry will have hardships to endure, and my aim is to spare you" (1 Cor 7.27-28). Remember: from the moment you marry, he says, you will have much pain, you will suffer, and your life will be a cross, but a cross blossoming with flowers. Your marriage will have its joys, its smiles, and its beautiful things. But during the days of sunshine, remember that all the lovely flowers conceal a cross, which can emerge into your sunshine at any moment.

Life is not a party, as some people think, and after they get married take a fall from heaven to earth. Marriage is a vast ocean, and you don't know where it will wash you up. You take the person whom you've chosen with fear and trembling, and with great care, and after a year, two years, five years, you discover that he's fooled you.

It is an adulteration of marriage for us to think that it is a road to happiness, as if it were a denial of the cross. The joy of marriage is for husband and wife to put their shoulders to the wheel and together go forward on the uphill road of life. "You haven't suffered? Then you haven't loved", says a certain poet. Only those who suffer can really love. And that's why sadness is a necessary feature of marriage. "Marriage", in the words of an ancient philosopher, "is a world made beautiful by hope, and strengthened by misfortune". Just as steel is fashioned in a furnace, just so is a person proved in marriage, in the fire of difficulties. When you see your marriage from a distance, everything seems wonderful. But when you get closer, you'll see just how many difficult moments it has.

God says that "it is not good for the man to be alone" (Gen 2.18), and so he placed a companion at his side, someone to help him throughout his life, especially in his struggles of faith, because in order to keep your faith, you must suffer and endure much pain. God sends his grace to all of us. He sends it, however, when he sees that we are willing to suffer. Some people, as soon as they see obstacles, run away. They forget God and the Church. But faith, God, and the Church, are not a shirt that you take off as soon as you start to sweat.

Marriage, then, is a journey through sorrows and joys. When the sorrows seem overwhelming, then you should remember that God is with you. He will take up your cross. It was he who placed the crown of marriage on your head. But when we ask God about something, he doesn't always supply the solution right away. He leads us forward very slowly. Sometime[s] he takes years. We have to experience pain, otherwise life would have no meaning. But be of good cheer, for Christ is suffering with you, and the Holy Spirit, "through your groanings is pleading on your behalf" (cf. Rom 8.26).

Second, marriage is a journey of love. It is the creation of a new human being, a new person, for, as the Gospel says, "the two will be as one flesh" (Mt 19.5; Mk 10.7). God unites two people, and makes them one. From this union of two people, who agree to synchronize their footsteps and harmonize the beating of their hearts, a new human being emerges. Through such profound and spontaneous love, the one becomes a presence, a living reality, in the heart of the other. "I am married" means that I cannot live a single day, even a few moments, without the companion of my life. My husband, my wife, is a part of my being, of my flesh, of my soul. He or she complements me. He or she is the thought of my mind. He or she is the reason for which my heart beats.

The couple exchanges rings to show that, in life's changes, they will remain united. Each wears a ring with the name of the other written on it, which is placed on the finger from which a vein runs directly to the heart. That is, the name of the other is written on his own heart. The one, we could say, gives the blood of his heart to the other. He or she encloses the other within the core of his being.

"What do you do?" a novelist was once asked. He was taken aback. "What do I do? What a strange question! I love Olga, my wife". The husband lives to love his wife, and the wife lives to love her husband.

The most fundamental thing in marriage is love, and love is about uniting two into one. God abhors separation and divorce. He wants unbroken unity (cf. Mt 19.3-9; Mk 10.2-12). The priest takes the rings off the left finger, puts them on the right, and then again on the left, and finally he puts them back on the right hand. He begins and ends with the right hand, because this is the hand with which we chiefly act. It also means that the other now has my hand. I don't do anything that my spouse doesn't want. I am bound up with the other. I live for the other, and for that reason I tolerate his faults. A person who can't put up with another can't marry.

What does my partner want? What interests him? What gives him pleasure? That should also interest and please me as well. I also look for opportunities to give him little delights. How will I please my husband today? How will I please my wife today? This is the question which a married person must ask every day. She is concerned about his worries, his interests, his job, his friends, so that they can have everything in common. He gladly gives way to her. Because he loves her, he goes to bedlastand gets up first in the morning. He regards her parents as his own, and loves them and is devoted to them, because he knows that marriage is difficult for parents. It always makes them cry, because it separates them from their child.

The wife expresses love for her husband through obedience. She is obedient to him exactly as the Church is to Christ (Eph 5.22-24). It is her happiness to do the will of her husband. Attitude, obstinacy, and complaining are the axes which chop down the tree of conjugal happiness. The woman is the heart. The man is the head. The woman is the heart that loves. In her husband's moments of difficulty, she stands at his side, as the empress Theodora stood by the emperor Justinian. In his moments of joy, she tries to raise him up to even higher heights and ideals. In times of sorrow, she stands by him like a sublime and peaceful world offering him tranquility.

The husband should remember that his wife has been entrusted to him by God. His wife is a soul which God has given to him, and one day he must return it. He loves his wife as Christ loves the Church (Eph 5.25). He protects her, takes care of her, gives her security, particularly when she is distressed, or when she is ill. We know how sensitive a woman's soul can be, which is why the Apostle Peter urges husbands to honor their wives (cf. 1 Pet 3.7). A woman's soul gets wounded, is often petty, changeable, and can suddenly fall into despair. Thus the husband should be full of love and tenderness, and make himself her greatest treasure. Marriage, my dear friends, is a little boat which sails through waves and among rocks. If you lose your attention even for a moment, it will be wrecked.

As we have seen, marriage is first of all a journey of pain; second a journey of love; and, third, a journey to heaven, a call from God. It is, as Holy Scripture says, a "great mystery" (Eph 5.32). We often speak of seven "mysteries", or sacraments. In this regard, a "mystery" is the sign of the mystical presence of some true person or event. An icon, for instance, is a mystery. When we venerate it, we are not venerating wood or paint, but Christ, or the Theotokos, or the saint who is mystically depicted. The Holy Cross is a symbol of Christ, containing his mystical presence. Marriage, too, is a mystery, a mystical presence, not unlike these. Christ says, "wherever two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am among them" (Mt 18.20). And whenever two people are married in the name of Christ, they become the sign which contains and expresses Christ himself. When you see a couple who are conscious of this, it is as if you are seeing Christ. Together they are a theophany.

This is also why crowns are placed on their heads during the wedding ceremony, because the bride and groom are an image of Christ and the Church. And not just this, but everything in marriage is symbolic. The lit candles symbolize the wise virgins. When the priest places these candles into the hands of the newly-weds, it is as if he is saying to them: Wait for Christ like the wise virgins (Mt 25.1-11). Or they symbolize the tongues of fire which descended at Pentecost, and which were in essence the presence of the Holy Spirit (Acts 2.1-4). The wedding rings are kept on the altar, until they are taken from there by the priest, which shows that marriage has its beginning in Christ, and will end in Christ. The priest also joins their hands, in order to show that it is Christ himself who unites them. It is Christ who is at the heart of the mystery and at the center of their lives.

All the elements of the marriage ceremony are shadows and symbols which indicate the presence of Christ. When you're sitting somewhere and suddenly you see a shadow, you know that someone's coming. You don't see him, but you know he's there. You get up early in the morning, and you see the red horizon in the east. You know that, in a little while, the sun will come up. And indeed, there behind the mountain, the sun starts to appear.

When you see your marriage, your husband, your wife, your partner's body, when you see your troubles, everything in your home, know that they are all signs of Christ's presence. It is as if you're hearing Christ's footsteps, as if he was coming, as if you are now about to hear his voice. All these things are the shadows of Christ, revealing that he is together with us. It is true, though, that, because of our cares and worries, we feel that he is absent. But we can see him in the shadows, and we are sure that he is with us. This is why there was no separate marriage service in the early Church. The man and woman simply went to church and received Communion together. What does this mean? That henceforth their life is one life in Christ.

The wreaths, or wedding crowns, are also symbols of Christ's presence. More specifically, they are symbols of martyrdom. Husband and wife wear crowns to show that they are ready to become martyrs for Christ. To say that "I am married" means that I live and die for Christ. "I am married" means that I desire and thirst for Christ. Crowns are also signs of royalty, and thus husband and wife are king and queen, and their home is a kingdom, a kingdom of the Church, an extension of the Church.

When did marriage begin? When man sinned. Before that, there was no marriage, not in the present-day sense. It was only after the Fall, after Adam and Eve had been expelled from paradise, that Adam "knew" Eve (Gen 4.1) and thus marriage began. Why then? So that they might remember their fall and expulsion from paradise, and seek to return there. Marriage is thus a return to the spiritual paradise, the Church of Christ. "I am married" means, then, that I am a king, a true and faithful member of the Church.

The wreaths also symbolize the final victory which will be attained in the kingdom of heaven. When the priest takes the wreaths, he says to Christ: "take their crowns to your kingdom", take them to your kingdom, and keep them there, until the final victory. And so marriage is a road: its starts out from the earth and ends in heaven. It is a joining together, a bond with Christ, who assures us that he will lead us to heaven, to be with him always. Marriage is a bridge leading us from earth to heaven. It is as if the sacrament is saying: Above and beyond love, above and beyond your husband, your wife, above the everyday events, remember that you are destined for heaven, that you have set out on a road which will take you there without fail. The bride and the bridegroom give their hands to one another, and the priest takes hold of them both, and leads them round the table dancing and singing. Marriage is a movement, a progression, a journey which will end in heaven, in eternity.

In marriage, it seems that two people come together. However it's not two but three. The man marries the woman, and the woman marries the man, but the two together also marry Christ. So three take part in the mystery, and three remain together in life.

In the dance around the table, the couple are led by the priest, who is a type of Christ. This means that Christ has seized us, rescued us, redeemed us, and made us his. And this is the "great mystery" of marriage (cf. Gal 3.13).

In Latin, the word "mystery" was rendered by the word sacramentum, which means an oath. And marriage is an oath, a pact, a joining together, a bond, as we have said. It is a permanent bond with Christ.

"I am married", then, means that I enslave my heart to Christ. If you wish, you can get married. If you wish, don't get married. But if you marry, this is the meaning that marriage has in the Orthodox Church, which brought you into being. "I am married" means I am the slave of Christ.




Archimandrite Aimilianos

The Divine Marriage of the Souls of Men ( Saint Nikolai Velimirovich )

"Turn, O backsliding children says the Lord; for I am married to you"Jeremiah 3:14).


The soul of man is the bride and the Living and All-powerful God is the bridegroom of the soul of man. His bride, the soul, the Lord clothes in light and nourishes it with His Grace. And the soul, from God the groom, gives birth to good children and many children in the form of many and beautiful virtuous works. The soul, on its own, cannot give birth to one virtuous work. Only the soul made fertile by God, gives birth to virtuous works. However, the soul, made fertile by the world, either remains barren or produces sin and vice. That is why the Lord speaks to men: "I am married to you", so that the soul of man may know to whom it is betrothed and with whom it is wed in order that it would not stray and by adultery deaden itself and turn itself into ash.
God is a faithful groom of the human soul of men. He never betrays the bride, the soul. His love toward the soul never cools as long as the soul does not turn away from Him and does not commit adultery. But, even then, God does not abandon the soul immediately, but pursues it and returns it from the path of destruction. "Turn O backsliding children" the Lord then speaks to the souls of men. Repent and I will forgive you. Return and I will receive you. Penitents would know to say, how great is the mercy of God. They would be able to confirm how persistent the love of God is toward sinners, even to the last hour. God is faithful in His love and He is not swift to seek vengeance on the adulterous soul. He constantly tries to restore to the adulterous soul, the lost shame of sinning. Shame produces repentance and repentance leads to restoration and restoration leads to original love and fidelity.
O Lord, All-powerful, help us, that from your eternal love our souls may produce the good and abundant fruit.
To You be glory and thanks always. Amen.


Taken from Saint Nikolai Velimirovich's-"The Prologue of Ohrid"

Marriage is a Great Mystery, not a right.....

Question: Why doesn't the Orthodox Church recognize the rights of homosexuals to get married?

Answer: Besides the fact that there is absolutely no indication within Scripture or Tradition that marriage is to be anything but between a man and a woman, and that Scripture and Tradition make it absolutely clear that sexuality used in any other way outside the confines of marriage between a man and a woman is worthy of eternal damnation, there is one primary proof text within Scripture that theologically can offer no possibility for there to be marriage outside of a male/female relationship.

Saint Paul explains the "great mystery" of marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33, where he writes:

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the Church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious Church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.

29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the Church. 30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the Church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

When we read this passage, there is absolutely no way to interpret it outside of the male/female relationship. The Mystery of Marriage has a symbiotic relationship with the mystery of the marriage between Christ and the Church. The image of Christ is specifically represented as a male in the original Greek (ο Xριστος; masculine noun) and the image of the Church is specifically represented as a female (την Eκκλησιαν; feminine noun). In the holy Mystery of Matrimony, the man is called to reflect the role of Christ in his love for his wife, while the woman is called to reflect the role of the Church in her respect for her husband.

A theological analogy such as this is absolutely impossible outside of the male/female relationship. It is based on this theological analogy that the Orthodox Church calls marriage a Great Mystery and is thus considered one of the great Seven Sacraments (Mysteries) of the Church. By a man and a woman joining themselves in Holy Matrimony through the Church, they are primarily entering a union in which they promise to reflect this theological analogy of the relationship between Christ and the Church, which St. Paul calls "a great mystery" and the Orthodox Church teaches is the ultimate purpose of marriage, even more so than that of bearing children.

Essentially, St. Paul teaches that marriage is undertaken by a man and a woman who are weak natured in order to help each other strive to a yet greater holiness. Though it is better to do this in a celibate state if possible (1 Cor. 7:8-9; Matt. 19:12), the path towards holiness can still be achieved in a marital state by living selflessly towards one another and through living the life of the Church in which they entered this union. For this reason, the spiritual goal of the married and the celibate is the same.

A homosexual marriage between two males or between two females cannot reflect the theological analogy taught by St. Paul, which is the foundation of the Mystery of Marriage in a symbiotic way. The role of the husband and wife completely falls apart, making the attainment of mutual holiness impossible. It also undermines the essential Christian doctrine that there can only be One Christ and One Church, since two husbands analogically reflects two christ's and two wives reflect two churches. With all these essential factors set aside, a homosexual marriage proves to have other motivations that are contrary to ecclesiastical life and its ascetical and mystical theology, since marriage ultimately aims at making our bodies and souls pure vessels of the Holy Spirit.

Marital Advice from Elder Joseph of Vatopaidi

Do Not Complain About Your Spouse

Now then, today I am forced to speak about this matter also; it is a somewhat daring endeavour, but necessity has caused me to bring up the subject, when every day I hear men say "my wife is like this, my wife is like that, all women are devils...".

So, I ask: "Excuse me dear fellow, but this woman you are referring to - weren't you the one that married her?"

"Yes."

"Well then, when you married her, didn't you find every love, tenderness and happiness in her person?"

"Yes."

"So, why have you changed now? She is the same person. Both when you married her, and now. Can you see that you are to blame?"

Looking at Marriage From an Eternal Perspective

I met an elderly couple some years ago, approximately in their eighties, who had so much bitterness between them that, if it were possible, they would kill each other. I felt sorry for them; I sat down next to them and began to search deeper and discovered that they had reached that point out of ignorance. They had no idea what Christianity was, or anything about ethics - nothing whatsoever. When I sat down to talk to them, I saw that they were quite receptive and they would pay attention to whatever I told them. Well, after trying to briefly show them that mankind has origins from God and has eternity, and that we will not be in this world forever, and that the conjugal relationship is not dissolved here but continues into eternity, they were both moved and they accepted all that they heard. I left them, and after some time, they sent me a letter in which they said: "Elder, it is as though we are reliving the first month of our marriage." This from those who were ready to kill and to slaughter each other. Can you see the evidence now?

The Faithful Husband That Did Not Abandon His Adulteress Wife

I will tell you of another characteristic of a proper spouse, which is extremely difficult to find in our day. But we did encounter one such person. He was in every way a perfect character, a Christian, and completely social. He married late, around thirty years old, not because he was averse to marriage, but because he thought that was how it should be. So he said his prayers with faith, and found himself a young girl and married her. The girl was young, ten years younger than him. Soon after he married her, she began her mischief. He pretended not to notice; he regarded her as his daughter and himself as her father. However, they had important business interests overseas and they had to go there, even if only temporarily. So he took her and they went abroad. When they arrived, she became very obstinate, and would say to herself: "He did this on purpose, to estrange me from my environment. I will desert him." So she abandoned and left him. She came back to Greece, and where do you think she went? To one of those "casino" places, and began to live the life of a free woman - one who is paid.

The husband however, from the day that she left him, never stopped praying with tears and insisting - in fact exhorting God: "All Good One, I will not retreat, I will not leave you alone; You were the One who gave me my wife. 'By the Lord is a man and woman harmonized' (according to the Bible). I want my wife. If the young girl has been deceived, must she be lost? Why did You come down to earth? Didn't You come to find the lost ones, to heal the sick, to resurrect the dead? I will not retreat. I will not let You rest. I want my wife; bring her back to me." He wept for two whole years.

His prayer was eventually heard and the young woman came to her senses. "Oh my," she confessed, "God will have to create another Hell, because this one is too small for me!"

So she sat down and wrote him a letter, saying: "I dare not address your name; I have no such right. If I return, will you accept me as your servant?"

He replied: "My love, why did you mention that word and hurt my feelings? Wasn't it me who sent you on a vacation and I was longing for my love to return to my open arms?"

So, he went and waited for her at the airport, as they had arranged. When she arrived, she fell down and began to beat herself and cry. He took her in his arms.

"My love, why are you like this and hurt my feelings? I was longing to see you again. Let's go home now; we never parted - I was always with you."

And this young girl proved herself to be a faithful wife from then on.

And that is the stance that a man - a husband - should take. If spouses are like these, then show me what woman is bad?

 

 

Elder Joseph of Vatopaidi

 

Mystery of Marriage

"This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the Church" (Ephesians 5:32).

Great is the mystery when a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife. The apostle himself, who was raised to the third heaven and who saw many mysteries of heaven, calls the physical union of men and women in marriage on earth "a great mystery." That is, the mystery of love and life and only the mystery of Christ's bond with His Church is greater.

Christ is called the Bridegroom and the Church, the Bride. Christ loves His Church so much that, because of Her, He left His heavenly Father - remaining with Him, of course, in unity of substance and divinity - and descended to earth and attached Himself to His Church and suffered for Her so that, by His Blood cleanse Her from every sin and spot and make Her worthy to be called His Bride. With His love He warms the Church, with His Blood He feeds the Church, and by His Holy Spirit He causes the Church to live, and sanctifies and adorns Her.

What a husband is to a wife, so Christ is to the Church. Man is the head of a woman and Christ is the Head of the Church. A husband loves his wife as his own body. A woman listens to her husband and the Church listens to Christ. A husband loves his wife as he loves his own body and Christ loves the Church as His own Body. A husband loves his wife as he loves himself and a wife reveres her husband, and Christ loves the Church as He loves Himself and the Church reveres Christ. Since no one hates his own flesh but rather warms and nourishes it so also Christ warms and feeds the Church as His own Body. And every individual human soul is the bride of Christ the Bridegroom and the assembly of all the faithful is the bride of Christ the Bridegroom. The kind of relationship of a believing man toward Christ also is the relationship of the entire Church toward Christ. Christ is the Head of that great Body which is called the Church, and which is in part visible and in part invisible.

O my brethren, this is a great mystery! It is revealed to us according to the measure of our love toward Christ and of our fear of Christ's judgment.

O Lord, Gentle Savior, cleanse us, save us and adorn our souls that we may be worthy of the immortal and indescribable unity with You in time and in eternity.

To You be glory and thanks always. Amen.


St. Nikolai Velimirovich

Homily on Marriage pt 7b- The Blessing of the Rings-Constantine Zalalas

Homily on Marriage pt 7a- The Blessing of the Rings-Constantine Zalalas

Homily on Marriage pt 6- The Source of Unity in Marriage- Constantine Zalalas

Homily on Marriage pt 5- An Honorable and Undefiled Marriage- Constantine Zalalas

Homily on Marriage pt 4- Harmony, Trust and Mistrust in marriage - Constantine Zalalas

Marriage - nagging and spiritual growth

 

Marriage in the Orthodox Faith is one of the major paths for our salvation. In marriage couples can aid each other in their journey towards salvation. The other major path is celibacy found in the monastic life. Both are recognized as valid paths for salvation.
Saint Paul reminds of the following,

I...beseech you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and meekness, with long suffering, forbearing one another in love, being eager to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.(Eph 4:1-3) 

Be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Eph 5:1-2)

The reality is that today a majority of marriages fail. The divorce rate now approaches 50%. One common issue that leads to separating is what is known as nagging. Elizabeth Bernstein recently wrote about this "killer of marriages" in the Wall Street Journal (1/25/12). She points out that nagging is a problem more common than adultery.

What is nagging? It is the interaction between couples where one person repeatedly makes a request that the other repeatedly ignores so that both become increasingly annoyed. As I write this I am currently being nagged by my wife to fix the fountain on the porch and I have ignored her for several days. Like Elizabeth points out, nagging makes me feel like a little boy being scolded by my mother for not doing a chore. Why does she have to keep reminding of this little task when I will eventually fit it into my schedule? I don't really need a mother at my age. So how do we keep this behavior from becoming something that leads us to anger and a desire to separate? It becomes serious when the issue shifts from the object of the nagging to the nagging itself. Dr. Howard Markman of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver points out that couples who can resolve this problem will substantially improve their chances of having a long lived marriage.
This kind of interpersonal issue is exactly what the spiritual path calls us to resolve. What we are learning in such situations is how to love one another. These irritants, such as nagging, can help us grow stronger in our faith. They can be like the grain of sand in an oyster that leads to a beautiful pearl. As we learn to love one another in our disputes we also learn to love God. These marital spats can separate us from God and lead us away from salvation or they can lift us to overcome our self- centeredness, teaching us how to love, leading us along the path to our eventual union with our loving God.
Here is some secular advice about how to overcome nagging from the Bernstein article. Calm down and recognize the pattern you are in and begin to talk about it as a problem that will have an impact not only on your marriage but on your spiritual life as well. Recognize that both will need to make some changes in behavior. Look at it from the other person's perspective. Use the tried and true "I messages." "Honey,when you ignore me I feel you do not love me." Recognize that you are asking for something if you are the nagger .  Change to using an "I message" instead of a "you message". Not "I want you to fix the fountain. You never do what I want." but "I would really like it if You could fix the fountain today. I know you are busy but this is something that means a lot to me." Manage expectations. Make sure what you are asking for is realistic. Set a time frame by asking your spouse when they could do the task. Give a clear response to your partner if you are the naggee. Tell her if you can't do it right now and let her know when you can do it. If you cannot do what is being asked, give the reasons and discuss alternatives.
Resolving conflicts than result from nagging is important for marital health. Remember that love of neighbor (and who is a closer neighbor than your spouse) is the first work we must strive for to become a true disciple of Christ. In a marriage we must all bear each others burdens and when we condemn the other person we are only condemning ourselves.

"Unless you promptly strive for and achieve a loving peace between you, it is hopeless to bring tidiness and fairness to your dealings with one another. Humble yourself, not her. Love her, not yourself." (Russian Letters of Direction, Monk Makariĭ )

Regular time for daily prayer together is very important in developing a strong Christian marriage.
Saint Gregory Palamas writes,

Let no one think, my brother-Christians, that it is the duty of only priests and monks to pray without ceasing, and not of laymen. No, no! It is the duty of all us Christians to remain in prayer always.

Saint Nicholas of Zhicha writes,

Marriage is a great and wonderful mystery, one of the greatest mysteries of God's dispensation. A pure and honorable marriage, in the fear of God, is indeed a vessel of the Holy Spirit.

I am now off to fix the fountain.

Harmony in Marriage ( Elder Macarius )

When we celebrate the sacrament of marriage we become one flesh. As such we are committed to share all things: our possessions as well as our weakness and failings. Love of other is the basis of a fruitful relationship. Our trials and tribulations in marriage leads us to a firm relationship with our God. This is the spiritual path we have chosen. It is the arena where we work out our perfection.

In our difficulties we must pray to be shown the way to overcome differences. To ask that we be shown our own faults so we do not dwell only on the faults of the other. We need to pray for the strength to forgive all the trespasses that have been made against us as well as to be forgive our own trespasses. Married life is a continual test of our Christian values n action.

Prayer is essential for a loving peace. Married couples should pray together

Elder Macarius says,

The joint prayer of a husband and wife is a great force... Remember that under all circumstances, humility is your surest weapon.

Reference: Russian Letters of Spiritual Direction, p 89